My father passed away on December 1st 2009 after a struggle with terminal Lung Cancer. I still can't quite grasp that he is really gone. My Mom has said that they talked about his impending passing and that he was ready to go, they were both glad they had the life that they lived together, and were grateful that us kids were grown when he became ill.
But that doesn't make me ready to have him gone. Don't get me wrong, I do not wish that he lived longer in pain, I just wish he hadn't gotten sick at all, I could have used at least another 10 years. Although, I know I should be grateful for the time I had with my Dad as it is longer than some have had with a parent.
However, I feel as though our relationship was never able to come full circle (or even half circle). There was too little time between me being a rebellious teenager and faltering young adult and his departure for him to really get a chance to know me as a "grown up" and be proud (or at least experience less disapproval). I never got my chance to "prove" myself to him (even though I generally believe in not having to prove myself to anyone). This is one of the things I regret.
The other thing I regret is not being able to utter the words "I love you" until after he took his last breath while my Mother and I were at his bedside. Why couldn't I say it days before? or better yet, why was I never able to say it when he was still aware? I guess the answer is probably in his same omission. I am my Father's daughter and he was never one to express emotion.
These are the things I think about...The things I wish I could change. But as my Dad would probably say, "You can wish in one hand and ________ in the other and see which one fills up first." He loved sayings like that.
The last year of his life went so fast...I kept rehearsing things I should say, closure that I wanted to find, sentiments that should be expressed. I always procrastinated, the lump was too big in my throat and I was too chicken to just say the words. Why? I'm sure if I saw a therapist they would rationalize it for me or associate it with a fear of rejection. I'm not sure what it was.
So, I will live on and hope that I will not leave this world before my children are done with me.
Things that will always remind me of my Dad:
1. Butter finger blizzards
2. Cowboy boots
3. Volkswagen's
4. White v-neck t-shirts
5. Marlboro...unfortunately
6. Pioneer Seed Corn ads
7. Cowboy cut shirts
8. Farmer caps
9. the smell of sawdust
10. Brut
11. Peanut Brittle
12. Tubs of mixed nuts
13. toothpicks
14. Flannel shirts
15. Neck pillows
16. Corn fields
17. Fleet Farm
18. little old cafes
19. Coffee mugs
20. Dodge pickups
21. union suit overalls
22. John Deere
23. Apple turnovers
24. blueberry pie
25. Lobster
26. John Wayne
27. Clint Eastwood
28. "steady by jerks"
29. "finer than a frog hair"
30. and many other things...
